Friends

so i spent last night at this amazing house with a hallway of fountains, a rooftop pool and terrace overlooking the entire city. it's a skill i have, i think.. to just end up in these random amazing homes. sounds nice right? but afterward i always seem to feel so empty. i don't think i could ever live in a place like that. something that echoes when you talk.

i feel like i am in a vortex or something. i want to leave and i want to stay. how can someone want the opposite things so strongly at the same time. how much more neurotic can i be, really? its like you want to grow wings but you want to stay grounded. and i feel so jumbled up and empty? to fight this feeling, i will write down some things i want to accomplish in this new year.

[ ] stop drinking soda, of all kinds
[ ] drink more water! water!
[ ] TAKE MY VITAMINS. IS THAT SO HARD?!
[ ] just get my body better. not necessarily skinny (ideal). but jesus, NOT this.
[ ] start taking photos again! always!
[ ] wear what I WANT and not give a fuck.
[ ] just be me. really me. thats all.

Gustavo says: poli..., tngo q irme¡¡ cuidate, un beso¡¡ a.m.t.e.d.v
kelsey says: buuuuu. me deeejjasss. bueno.
Gustavo says: asi como tu me dejas :)
kelsey says: mentiraaa... aki estoy. ;)
kelsey says: chaoooo goose. <3
Gustavo says: chaoooo poliiiiiiiiiiiii (corazon),, PD: no enn cuentro el simbolo del corazon jijij

translation:
Gustavo says: moth, i have to go. take care, a kiss. (some crazy secret code)
kelsey says: buuuu. you're leaving me. fiiine.
Gustavo says: just like you seem to have left me. :)
kelsey says: thats a lie... im still here ;)
kelsey says: chaoooo goose. <3
Gustavo says: chao moth (heart).. PS i couldnt find the heart symbol haha.

THAT was pushing it kelsey.
i saw him from afar in the mall yesterday and just got all messed up inside and weird and it was ridiculous. like little girl nervous and bullshit. i spent the night on that rooftop terrace with juan pablo and he called me later and said things like, "my love, i adore you." and "don't ever go back home." and i couldnt/didnt respond. he got upset and said things like, "why dont you ever say things like this to me?" and "i hate when you do this." and i continued in silence. he told me that "if i dont want something, i shouldnt lie to him." and that "i should think about that and go to bed."

"....did you hear me? kelsey did you hear what i said. are you there?"
"mmm."
"...ya okay. then chao."

*click*


empty and full in the same moment. where am i now?

who wants to come visit me. this invitation is basically open to anyone. you just nee about $1200-$1500 depending and that includes your flight, food, accomidations, fun tourist shit, ya ya ya for about a week or so.
someone come see me. :D really.

so im not allowed to see anna anymore? because she said "hijo de puta" and "maricon" on my skype and my mom heard her? uh... right. so today we did a hang out sesh romeo and juliet sneaaky style. went to see avatar for my 2nd time, but this time in 3D and in spanish... shit. i love that movie. jillian just posted about it and thats EXACTLY how i feel and it freaks me out... here ( read this. )

besides that, i took a cold shower in the dark tonight which can only mean one thing... i don't know what to feel think. whats new!?

It is easiest for me to learn something collaboratively. I am a fast reader, so I can consume the information on my own, but I appreciate the structure of a classroom environment. I appreciate the teacher and I appreciate the deadlines. If I don't wish to pay for a class, I must be my own teacher and enforce my own deadlines.

There are things I would like to do with my time that I haven't been doing. For the New Year, I would like to cultivate more self discipline.

I hereby resolve:
to play the guitar when I get home for the day, provided it's before 10pm. Daily practice will increase my skills. I will use YouTube to augment the books I have. If there are any online resources out there that you'd recommend, I'd appreciate hearing about them.

to go to the gym (Planet Fitness because it's 99$/yr!) or stretch whenever I am feeling cranky. I'm joining a 24 hour gym, and I think it will do wonders for my mood. My new hobby can be working out. Treadmills and weight machines are not nearly as exciting as dance classes, but they're much cheaper and so I can afford to go more often.

to bring my lunch to work more often and make more vegan and gluten free meals. I love cooking and I'm good at it. I don't need to read more recipes for breads and desserts, I eat plenty of breads and desserts. What I would like to do is to get more adept with different flours and a vegan diet. M! told me last night that he's never felt full from a meal without meat. I'd like to change that for him.

to be more responsible with money. To have greater awareness of income and expenditures. Towards this end, I will stop relying on credit cards- small charges that are paid off on payday are okay, carried balances are not. I will also spend my money, after house bills, on my quest in the theatre. Let socializing come in third, or combine it with my calling.

to emphasize being charming and friendly before being right.

We'll be ringing in the New Year with our family in Massachusetts. I hope your New Year is merry and bright!

Yesterday, after a quick shift at work, I was feeling so damn lazy. I felt so slovenly, I didn't even want to stand to get up off the couch, so instead I rolled off and crawled to the next room. I hate that feeling. So I decided to do something about it.
I was feeling hungry, so I ate some healthy, spicy leftovers (Veganomicon's Jamaican Shepherdess Pie), and then asked Michael to go for a walk. It was growing dark, and we were due at my grandmother's within the hour. But I needed to move my body, I was feeling so horrible from all of the sugar and inactivity.
So we walked from our house to my grandmother's. We walked 3.7 miles. And my body rejoiced. It wasn't too hard, I don't feel taxed or sore this morning. It was absolutely the right thing to do for myself and my body. It was a good challenge.

And maybe walking 3.7 hilly miles shouldn't really be a challenge. But the point is that it was, and that I did it. Afterwards, I felt like I accomplished something. Walking around the 3.2 mile flat lake doesn't make me feel accomplished in the same way. But yesterday, I traveled between towns on foot. I liked that.


Another thing I like is playing with mysterygoogle.com.... does anyone have experience with it?

i am observant. that's what i have to be. i think i should just put myself to sleep now and enjoy it. listen to the rain, sleep, dream, think too much, miss, butterflies. m-m-my, m-m-my, my, my.

"amor, quiero perderme en tus ojos. no se si puede traducir igual en ingles."
"si vida, es igual."
"entonces."


oh and shit, i wanted to remember this thing that is from gustavo:
"polilla q tengas una feliz navidad.. mucha felicidad para ti y mucha tranquilidad en tu familia e aya.. q tu estes feliz s mucho pa mi.. sea como sea.. pero cosas buenas.. y metate esto en la cabezapolilla.. cuando me acerco a ti.. no es para pedirte algo ni nada.. somos amigos y listo.. eso de irte no va conmigo.. cuidate mucho poli.. si contestar algo hazlo a mi cell"

which is basically just:
"polilla (my little moth), i hope you have a merry christmas. i wish you happiness and calmness for your family in the US. if you are happy, i am happy. whatever will be, will be.. but good things! keep that in your head, polilla (moth). when i am close to you, its not to get something from you, we can be just friends and thats that. you dont have to run away from me. take care of yourself poli, if you want to answer me, write my cell."

the WEIRDEST christmas i will ever have, im almost positive.
basic rundown is as follows:
december 24th: we just hung out all day, didnt really do much of anything, saw anna for a bit and walked her to the spa, waited until it got dark/cool and walked to the store myself in teh dark (scary shit, i need to be smarter) and bought cookie making supplies, talking the creepy store boy for a long time and decided i actually like him he is just a little *dur da dur*, made cookies while everyone went crazy in the house as people arrived around 9 PM, lost power until 1:30 AM basically and just did karaoke in the dark?, ate dinner at 130, crashed on couch, woke up at 330 for gift time!, opened gifts and shit with everyone until people started to disperse and sleep around 530, waited for my sister and brother to finish their gifts until 630, waited a half hour to see if my mom would open her gifts, at 7 she decided she was too tired and wanted to do it "tomorrow" aka later. SLEPT!
decemeber 25th: roberto brought me the phone/woke me at 12 noon, juan pablo called and said he was coming over, spent time with him until about 3 ish, anna called me and was like, "wanna go see pedro and theresa in the center?!", drank lots of sangria and played "i have never", last time we will see pedro before he goes back to brasil!!!! :(, went home, conversed with the relatives, anna came back over, we got ready and went out to nisha, discotecaaa and vodka, danced with everyone BUT juan pablo... uhm, thats a whole different entry, anddd came home at 2:11 AM and my mom was pissed? what?, layed on my floor with anna being reaaaally sober, skyped her friends in oregon, debated together about gustavo and how he is SO CUTE and juan pablo and how we just LOVE DIEGO SO MUCH <3, then i texted people in this order 1)gustavo 2)diego 3)fell asleep texting juan pablo... woke up to say hi to more of annas friends on skype around 430
december 26th: woke up to denisse the maid running around my room screaming "what happened in here!?!?", woke up with anna in my small baby bed, lol, cleaned my room, dressed anna bc her mom was like "WE ARE GOING TO PERU NOW!", went downstairs and was shunned by my family bascically, my mom said i cant turn on the AC.... so now im in my room fan on full blast hiding out and stickin it to her i hope but idk if that is working.

up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. that is how my life goes here in ecuador. that is it.

( here are the pictures. )

weirdest christmas ever. still havent slept and its 7:12 AM. juan pablo is in his bed wrapped in bandages and cant remember yesterday, recently, or what happened to him (?).. however has called me repeatedly asking me the same questions over and over and being very out of it. apparently he hit his head, or got hit, or something.. idk. its fuckin weird and scary and i cried a lot at first. gustavo called me and was like, "was juan pablo at your house today?!" all freaking out and weird shit and then finally told me the story and i was like, "dont joke with me. its not funny." and then when i found out it was for real i just started balling. it still feels weird and i dont know about it... mmmm, anyway gustavo is being the sweetest friend to me while also being my biggest fear. and i just waited up until now waiting for my f'ing mami to open her presents and she just decided she is too tired and needs to be attentive... "tomorrow" we will.... which is later today really. har har har. what a divster. i only cried in regards to missing my family at the dinner table 1 time, despite numerous attempts. i hate the attention after the first tear rolls because that makes it so so much worse. ( i know those situations are awkard for other people and they only want to comfort you but "awhhhh, VIVA LA KELSEY!" is NOT the way to go.) so for now, i will sleep and wake up idk when... hopefully get permission to go to juan pablo's house and make sure he is okay. all he kept saying on the phone was, "come here my love. i need you." poor little thing. what a nut case for real. xoxo.

merrrrry christmas y feliz navidad. espero que ustedes la pasen bien y que los mando todos mi amor, cariño, y besitos. <3

this bedroom is a mess and so is my head. i am so happy, yet so nervous. so homesick. so far away. so tired. so alone. SO ALONE. i want to be warm and snuggled and loving everything. hug my sister. i love my little sister. i want to be doing dumb things with her while hiding from our family members and mocking the silly mannerisms they all have. today i was going through the gift bags, random gifts, etc that i brought from the US... and i opened a gift bag and a photobooth strip of 4 photos of danielle and i fell out and i just felt so sad/happy. rawr.
juan pablo wanted to stop by earlier but then idk why he couldnt. its alright its a busy day but i would like a hug and stuff.
xo. xo.


***"i love your skin. is so soft. those lips. que ricos." i am in the place i have dreamed about for months. your arms. the darkest room, the smallest couch. i pretend i will kiss you. when i get close enough to feel you breathing, i just pause and smile. you say, "youre a mean girl. dont do that to me." sorry. you are my christmas present. "esta noche es nuestra." yes yes. si. por fa. amor. i say, "sabes que eres mi vida. mi vida aqui. siempre vas a estar mi vida de ecuador." i just grab your curls and refuse to let you leave me. i want this all the time. todo el tiempo.

dude, my plan was to nap but im actually so happy/excited about him that i cannot fall asleep. is this real life?

JUAN PABLO CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY AND SURPRISED ME. last day before vacation and we could wear street clothes.. it was just a dance party allll day. omg so cute so cute. curls all over the place and these beaaauutiful eyes. oh lordie. he just automatically was so caring and silly and <3. head kisses, shoulder kisses. pinky kisses. :D we are going out tonight i hope hope hope!! (hookah what?) baila baila. :D eeep. sorry. SO HAPPY.

I have always been large. When I was born, I weighed more than eleven pounds. When I was two, I looked five. When I was in seventh grade, my gym teacher published my weight on a bulletin board: the Clinton administration had just changed the obesity standards and I was now officially obese.

As an obese person, I was now a member of a club that included many sports figures and celebrities such as George Clooney. I played sports: soccer, competitive canoeing, and fencing. I've taken all kinds of dance classes: ballet, tap, jazz and belly. I have led hikes into the wilderness, I have lifted and carried heavy things, children and adults. I am strong and capable, and I find my body beautiful.

I remember losing weight four times. The first time was the summer before junior year: I took a family trip to California where I discovered grilled chicken caesar salad and ate it at every meal. The second time was sophomore year of college, when I did the Master Cleanse. I had so much energy, felt so much lighter, did three hours of dance but missed the social aspects of eating and the taste sensation. (A repeated attempt failed miserably.) The third time was after my trip to China: we walked for hours every day and ate all of our meals communally. I came home weighing 187, my lowest since eighth grade. I kept at that low weight throughout the summer, but when I started an office job and hormonal birth control in the fall, it all came back. That December, my senior year of college, I gave up sweets, fried food, meat and dating for a month, as an experiment. I lost ten pounds.

When I am smaller, I am praised. I get more inappropriate sexual attention. More people talk about and touch my body. Shopping is more fun, because I have more options to choose from. I still do not resemble a model, and still wouldn't look conventionally beautiful in a bikini. But it isn't good enough.

When I am at my smallest, I am told that I just need to work a little harder, and disappear a little more, and then I will be more socially acceptable.

In my adult life, I have never weighed less than 187 pounds. I think it is unlikely that I will ever weigh much less than that. I will never look like the ideal for most designers and directors. And I have to be okay with that. I have to love my body, for it is the only instrument of its kind available to me. I rejoice in my body, I appreciate how strong it is and all the things it does for me. Sometimes I even take pleasure in avoiding much of the inappropriate sexual attention that skinnier women receive.

Being healthy is a separate goal from losing weight. I believe in Health at Every Size. There are skinny people who are not as healthy as me, and I am not as healthy as some fatter people. Fat and health are not necessarily correlated the way the diet industry would have you believe.

I work and want to do more work in the theatre. Entertainment can be a very vain industry. I am interested in improving my career. One of the first things I am told to do is to lose weight.

Last night I was at a holiday party for a feminist theatre company I know and love. I was having a most enjoyable conversation with another actress about the constant negotiation between paying the bills and doing creative work. She mentioned that she was celiac. I mentioned that I was thinking of reducing my intake of processed carbs. Soon, everyone in the room was engaged in a discussion of how I could slim down. A squishy old white woman was telling me that she has yogurt for breakfast, the celiac actress recommended buckwheat and an apple, and her boyfriend was debating the different kinds of oatmeal with a nice old man. The actress and her boyfriend left, reminding me about Weight Watchers (where I had attended my first meeting, at ten). The nice old man and squishy woman kept saying that I had a beautiful face, and such a nice figure if I could just shave some off- asking me if I had ever tried Pilates- and saying that there were so many roles I could play in musical theatre if I was slimmer- but there was one that I could play as I was! The lead in Hairspray, the Token Fat Girl.

I am sure they meant completely well. This is what happens when you ask for career advice. You get career advice. The more insulting thing was that, before this was brought up, I was constantly being compared to another fat white actress in the company. She is at least ten years older than me, with children, but because I have slightly reddish hair and because we both have chubby cheeks, we were actually confused. Not to start the oppression olympics, but if we shared the physical characteristic of a different skin color, people would not have dared to compare us so blatantly.

I am sick of being told that a fatter person cannot play a love interest. I am a fat person, and I am in the middle of a blissful love affair. I am sick of seeing fat people portrayed as evil, lazy, or undisciplined. We love fat pudgy babies, and fat pudgy animals, but we hate fat adults.

I am fat and will probably always be perceived as fat. To succeed in my industry, people recommend getting smaller. I might try that. But I'd rather change the world.

Look at the good work that model Crystal Renn is doing!

It's a struggle. I want to be a strong example of what a woman can be. I don't want to disappear. But I want to be perform in the public sphere.

it isnt christmas, its just not. im sorry. actually no im not sorry because its not my fault that i dont feel like its christmas time. (i am ALWAYS saying im sorry. thats sick too.) im not particularly connected to the man heysuess cristo so i guess i dont really have anything to complain about. but the other christmas, the one that is commercial, aesthetic, tangible... its not here. a tree without lights. 90 degrees. no cookies. (except the ones i baked on my own in the kitchen every night.) (i have been cooking like a madwoman for days now every night in the kitchen alone, i love it.) there is nothing exciting and different happening. no "december" feeling. no 25 day countdown. im just so exhausted.
fuck fuck. im a boring emotional baby girl.
someday? maybe someday ill get it together.


tell me what to do with my future. what do you think?
im seriously. anonymously tell me what i should do now, in a year, in the long run?
help me.

i need a self revolution and it needs to start tomorrow morning when i wake up. i dont feel the way i want to feel. i might never be happy with my entirety but i need to realize that doesn't mean i should ensure that my entirety sucks. makes sense ya? bitches and hoes. bitches and hoes. who even am iiiii. what is this crisis mentality i am in right now?

Albert Einstein once said : “If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man.”

that just about scares the shit out of me. think about how retarded we are. injecting random stuff into animals to make them get mutantly bigger so we can eat them? (i just think of mondo burger from 'good burger'... buh.) putting nasty chemicals on our fruit and vegetables. spraying hair spray all over ourselves. killing the animals that are here for a reason.. and if they're not, then time will make them disappear. its just weird. we are in such a hurry to speed up every process. really though, EVERY PROCESS. LET IT BE. BAH. we are so rampant and there really cannot be a "going back", im pretty sure. i can only take so much of this shit seriously. college is going to steal alllll the money that i dont have just like it steals all the money that NO ONE has, and i just think about the world and all this dumb stuff and it makes me so pissed and stubborn. i just want to build a little cabin in a big field and grow my own little garden with a stream to wash my face in at the end of the day. im the biggest hypocrite i know but im fckn 18 and i dont know how to deal with any of this. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!!!???!!?!

fuck d00d 2012 is comin- 3 years from today. what do you think?
dun DUN DUNNNNNN!